top of page


Broadgate Square, Liverpool Street


[Echoey and unclear, as if gradually emerging from the ether]

…Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? Oh please work? 


[suddenly, clear]

Oh my god. You can hear me.

I’d almost given up…


First thing’s first. I’m a ghost. That’s why you can’t see me. So, you’ll have to use your imagination. Now take a look at your phone. This app you have installed is a ghost detector. See that yellow circle, on the ground, in the centre of the Square? That’s where I am. I am standing on that yellow circle. Boo. Ha! 


My name is Mary. I haunt this Square and the offices around it. Wasn’t always offices, used to be a churchyard, but, you know, I accommodate. 

I’ve spent the last couple weeks attempting to make contact with one of you. I’ve tried knocking things over in the offices. Tried wailing in the toilets. I even apparated to a CEO, but he just thought I was the cleaner and asked me to wipe down his desk.


So, when the traditional methods failed, I decided to try something new. Got hold of a computer on the fifth floor, taught myself C++, and developed this app. 

Here we are. 

You can talk to ghosts.

Here’s the situation. I am organising a party. I’ve been planning it for a little while now - and I - look. I don’t want to go into it too much, or make this sound too daunting but - I need you there. So, I know this is out of the blue, but what do you say? Will you come to my party? You will? Good! Ha! What a relief.

That makes one guest.


Now, it’s a while until we start, so if it’s not too much trouble, could you please go for a little walk around the area, and remind the other ghosts about my big event. Just in case they’ve forgotten. 


I’ll mark them on your map. All you have to do is head toward the yellow circles on your phone - that’s where the ghosts are hiding. And don’t be surprised if you hear other noises on the way. The app is still in beta, and it seems to be… this sounds mad, i know; it seems to be picking up sounds from the past. I’ve tried to switch it off but… as much as we might try, we can’t switch off history, can we?


Time for you to go. Be careful out there. Look both ways when you’re crossing a street, always cross at the lights, and stay alert—I don’t want you waking up on my side of the road, if you know what I mean. If you need to take your headphones out, take them out, you’re not going to miss anything.  


Head for the yellow circles. Stay safe. And meet me back here. 

Why don’t you talk to barry first, he’s floating above broadgate circle, he’s a little stuck, so do remember to look up.


Right. See you in a bit. What is it you humans say? That’s it - one foot after the other.



(Mary VO)

Hello? Is this working? It is - good. I’ll check in on you from time to time like this through your phone. I thought you could talk to Barry first. He’s an ex-building contractor. You can find him floating in the air above Broadgate circle. Feel free to have a wander around the area while you chat. Oh - and while I remember, if you’re unsure where to go, or your GPS is playing up, tap the yellow circle you’re heading for and you’ll see a photo of where the ghost is hiding. That should help you get your bearings. That’s all from me! I’m going to start setting up. Good luck.



Broadgate circle


Heya mate! You need to look up. Bit more. Bit more. There - I’d come shake your hand but I’m stuck up here - bit high. You get me? You do.


I worked in Construction. 


The fateful day was July 21st 2003. Up the scaffolding, 22 stories high, with the lads.


This new song comes out of the radio. I dunno if it’s well known these days; It was called… Toxic. Toxic by Britney Spears. Hearing it was like having lemon sorbet smeared onto my brain. 

And so I started to dance. First just the smallest shake of my hips. Then the music took over. My shoulders started working to the rhythm. My arms started swaying. My pecs started poppin. And before I knew what was happening I was fully enveloped by this song. I thought: dance is the light, mate. Dance will take us out of the darkness.


I knew the lyrics before she sang ‘em. I knew the moves before the chords progressed. It was like I’d known this song my whole life. Completeness. Clarity. Britney. 


Without knowing, I’d danced right to the edge of the beam. London beneath my feet. The lads shouting “Barry! Careful!”


But then, oh my goodness, the song goes:
[Barry sings the refrain from Toxic: Naaawnaaawwwnawnawnaw] 

And I danced. Right onto thin air. And plummeted.


And you know, people usually die when they hit the ground. You get me? You do.
But you see, I broke my neck in the middle of the air. 


But it’s alright for now. I fit in here, I think. Not quite in either place. Watching the world go by from way up here. 


Mary sent you, yeah?

Thought so. Look mate, I’ll level with you. I love Mary. 

But nothing good’s going to come of this party. 


Why don’t you pay a visit to Cone Ghost? He lives in the sculpture down the way. That big metal cone by the station. Always hear him howling. He’d definitely appreciate your company.


I’ll mark him on your map. 


See you later mate. 





Mary VO: Yes let’s forget about Barry. Cone Ghost lives in the brown metal sculpture near Liverpool Street - I’m sure he’d be happy to talk to you. You can meet him either on the overpass overlooking his home, or if you’re able and willing, step inside the sculpture. 


(inside the large metal sculpture in Liverpool Street)


My name is Cone Ghost.
Welcome to my cone.
I love it in here.
So nice and small and safe!
Ahhh gotta laugh ehehehehe
Gotta smile ehehehehe

Cone Ghost wasn’t always living here though-
No, Cone Ghost used to live outside!
I used to walk in the fields, I did-
Used to look out over london on the hill and think how beautiful
The river and the geese flying over it-
Honkin ‘n’ flappin’ over the sparklin’ water ehehehehehe 

and I used to sit with the ravens-
used to feed them little bits of wheat, and whistle ehehehehe
such lovely squarkin birds...
That was such a lovely time… 

...til the people came with pitchforks
[in the distance an echoed memory of an angry mob. Briefly. Then gone.]

But I found this lovely safe cone and stayed here.
Stayed safe!
Stayed so long I forgot me own name.
And so I called meself cone ghost ehehehe
Because of the cone ehehehe

you’ve got a lovely smile!
What I wouldn’t give for teeth like those!

Ah, no i’m not going to the party!
I used to go out when Mary asked but-
It’s not safe anymore. Mary makes the air into a storm when she’s upset youknow-
Go talk to Ty with ‘er guitar, she’ll talk to ya & she’ll go to party!
Cone ghost scribble on your thing where to go ehehehehe
Oh and thanks for that grin ehehehehe
Cone ghost hasn’t seen one in ages
But cone ghost just needs some alone time so please get out
Out out out



MARY VO: Hello again human. I suppose Ty’s worth a try, isn’t she? Even if she can be a bit of a nightmare. Walk left along the street around the park until you see a monument. She’s always leaning on it, smoking. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t let her sing. 


The Bandstand


Oi! Human are ya? Spooooooky!


Name’s Ty. Singer, punk rocker, artistic outsider, middle finger thrust firmly up the arse of the establishment. You prob-ly recognise me. Not that I like the fame. I hate the fame. It’s rotten.


Don’t regret dying. Things only went downhill after ‘79, musically speaking, and anyway, me and the members of The Hot Rotters clocked it doing what we loved. We were opening for the Clash, we strode up on stage, turned that speaker up to 100, played the most mind-blowing of sets, and brought the house down. Literally. Structural issue with the roof. 


Now this is my patch. I got the park. I got the bandstand. And we practice every night. Yeah love, that’s right, the band is still together. 

For now, we just kick back and practice the hits. You know. ‘Fat Car Crash’, ‘Big Junction Fever’, ‘Screw Him With Your Space Car’, ‘Flush Me’. 


Aha - you know that one, do you? 

[she sings:]
🎶dun dun dun dun 

You wanna flush me? 

Down in the drain, 

You wanna flush me? 

I’m going insane!


[She sighs]

It’s nice to chat to a human again. When I’d play that to a crowd they’d be practically be on their knees begging for a lock of the old hair. Well. A few of them would be, anyway. My sister, my Mum. They always showed up, they were always there for me. Even when no-one else was.
My sister comes to the park to eat her lunch
I wonder if she knows i’m here.
[she coughs back the sentimental thought] 

Oh—Mary’s party. Sorry mate, I forgot, I can’t come. If I’m honest with ya, Mary, er… recently she’s been a bit...


I try. I really do, I’m sweet as hell to her. But she’s just not my idea of fun. 


Why don’t you go see if Arabella down Copthall Street wants to go? Keep your eyes out for the chair. She barely moves from it. I’ve popped her just on your map.


Careful crossing roads too. I’m a rebel but I’m not an idiot. I still cross at the lights.


See you later, babe. I’ve got practice.
It was nice meeting you.




MARY, VO: A no from Ty…well, I suppose it’s to be expected. She didn’t say anything about me, did she? No? Good. Good.



Mary, VO: Arabella. Yes. That’s a great idea. You want to head all the way down this road, towards the red phone box. You’re looking for a chair beneath a tree. She’ll probably be wanting feedback on her poems - I haven’t popped around to listen in a while, she must be losing it a bit. Go easy on her.



The chair and the tree


OH hello -
I didn’t see you there mon fleshy cherie.
I’m sorry, I’m just arguing with this tree about my latest poem.

All he gives me is criticism, blah blah, toute la journee, all day long. You just can’t-
Excuse me, can you fasten your trap dearest tree I’m trying to talk to this human.


Ah yes, in life too I was always sidelined; while Byron and Shelly went off across the waves, I stayed in London writing quaint little stanzas to commission; you know, for babies’ christenings, marriages and other such dullnesses. 


But hark, as I returned home from one such tedious event, the moment I had been waiting for arrived; as I trod along this very street, I was struck with an idea; 

And so I sat in this very chair, withdrew my pen and prepared to write.
But alas, Just as my pen touched paper, Zeus, that fearsome overlord, deigned it fit to aim a lightning bolt right through the top of my wig, That’s correct; moments after I was struck by inspiration, I was struck by lightning.


Of course when I woke up here, I’d completely forgotten what I was going to write.  




Mary used to give the most helpful notes. She’s really got a ghostly ear for these things. 


But - well. She hasn’t come by my chair in a little while now. I started asking this blasted tree for thoughts instead. What a mistake that was. He really is my harshest critic. And trust me, you don’t want to hear what he says about you.


Ah i expect you’re here a bout the party, i would go myself, but to be completely honest I’m in a bit of a rut about my current piece. Why don’t you chat to my good friend, she’s just through the passage, then to the left.


Au Revoir! That’s it. Bye bye.


Mary, VO: Another no… alright. Look, let’s stay positive. You’re looking for a very narrow passage on your left.



The statue overlooking Throgmorton ave


[a hoarse, whispery, creepy echo of a voice]


I see you… I see everything… 


Look to the end of the street… look up. Do you see me? The statue staring out over the street...


I am the woman who watches…


Many things I have seen on this street...


A lot of people… they urinate here, up againssst the walls, when they think no one is looking. But I am looking. The Seer seesss all. 


Are you ssscared, mortal? 


Are you scared of what I see… in you? 


[she coughs]
[her voice changes to the slightly nasal voice of a normal woman. It is not at all scary]


Were you scared?
You were weren’t you.

You did actually look quite scared. 


It’s a good little voice, init. It’s just a bit tough on the throat, yeah.  

You humans though, you’re great. You love a good spook. 


You make up scary things on purpose. 


Ya nitwits.


I always wanted to make my own horror flick. It was gonna be a low-budget little thriller about a giant worm that went rampaging through the entirety of London eating everyone’s babies. 


We set up the cameras. I called action. And I started jogging over London Bridge brandishing my worm killing superblaster. I was so in the moment that I didn’t look both ways, and i ran straight into the path of a john lewis lorry. 


On a normal day I would have gone to Mary’s party.. But yeah…Have you noticed, yeah everyone’s being a bit weird!? Basically there was an argument and everyones pretty grumpy with her at the moment. I’ll tell you what, I’ll go if Phillipus goes. He’s at the end of the road and then turn left. Let me just splodge him into your phone. Alright, can you go away now, I’ve got to try this out on someone else.


Mary, VO: Phillipus! Yes. Phillipus. He’s often found patrolling up and down the street you’re on. Why don’t you humour him? March up the road with him and he might just agree to come.


The Roman Road

Alright soldier, stand to attention.
I am Phillipus Collinous, Attendant of the Holy Roman Empire, Captain of the Twenty Fourth Battalion and you will respect me!
Now, up this road with me, March!

Left right left right left right... 

I expect Mary sent you to bother me about the party, eh?
Sorry about all the shouting. I’m having a bit of a bad dayus.

I could’ve died on a vineyard with a lovely winemaking family but instead I got javelined in the back at the London wall
by frickin Boudica

I’m reading at the moment that apparently feelings need to be ‘processed’ and well, I’m thinking, since we’ll never see each other again, mind if I try it out on you

You know that rockstar ghost in the park. I really fancy her.

Also - that builder that fell off the building. Those jeans.
Steady! TIGHT BOTTOM!!!!!!

Oh Petunia in the Garden, you haven’t met her yet,  she’s obsessed with tulips.
I’ve been memorising all sorts of facts about those flowers, so that when the time is right, I can very subtly and casually insinuate them into a chat with her.  


It’s all coming out now.
Being in love... something I’d quite like to do before I, you know, ascendus.

And halt.

End of the march here. Thanks for lending an ear, really helped. 

Oh! The party… if I’m honest I’m a bit nervous to go.
First Mary disappears for a month. Now she wants us all over for a knees-up
I reckon she’s planning a bit of a bollocking and I’m just not feeling too robust. 

Why don’t you pay a visit to the Monk next?
He’s done a lot of thinking about us ghosts, and might give you some answers.
I’ve uploaded marching orders to your appus - appunt - app; There we go”

Back to it then.

Left right left right…




The Monk Statue


nice to meet you.


They call me The Monk. Not into that God stuff anymore though. You’re quite safe. 


Spectres. Spirits. Shades. 

Ghouls. Phantoms. Wisps Et cetera.

Why do we exist? Why do we linger?


Haven’t got a clue, have you? Nor does anybody else - but I’ve made it my duty to find out! 


The question: Why are there so many ghosts in the City of London?
Hypothesis 1: The gates to heaven and hell are shut
Hypothesis 76: The bricks and mortar of this city are unrequitedly in love with our souls and simply can’t let go!
Hypothesis 1452: It’s all Thomas Cromwell’s fault.


And my latest theory is thus?
Hypothesis number 1666:

The Great Fire of London, I’m sure you’re familiar. Great tragedy. Everything burned down! Tables, chairs, houses, all those solid things turned to ash.


Hypothesis: that ash remained in the city. It hides in corners, between bricks, down back alleys et cetera. People breathed it in, it snuck up their nostrils. That ash attached itself to their souls. 


Hypothesis: when the people died, the ash, desperate to once again hold form, awakened. and walked the city’s streets.


What do you think?


Well, don’t look so blank. Admittedly, now I’ve said it out loud it doesn’t sound very credible. The timeline is all wrong. There is, after all, an ancient Roman haunting the street round the corner. You can’t ignore him can you? He’s ever so loud! Not to mention Mary - who’s been around for several millennia, so I hear. Mary, I’ve always been so interested in her.


I’m afraid I won’t be attending the party, you see, I’ve been enjoying the silence of the last few weeks; I’ve spent it buried in my work. 


Now, watch out if you’re going down that alley. Two choirboys are down there, in the garden by the church. Insufferable infants. I’ll jot their location down onto your map so you know how to avoid them, et cetera.


Pleasure to compare notes. 


Ok. So is that it? Does no-one want to come? Why don’t you - why don’t you head down the Austin Friars alleyway on your left and talk to the Monk. Keep walking until you see the statue. Can’t see the old misery guts coming either, if I’m honest. You know what? I’m going to sign off for a bit. Focus on setting up. Tell me if you manage to get anyone. Even a few ghosts would really mean a lot.




The churchyard


Gilbert : Graham. Graham look. Fleshies! 


Graham: Say Hello then.


Gilbert : No you say hello.


Graham: No I’m nervous.


Gilbert : Hello fleshy! I’m Gilbert, this is Graham - finest choir boys in the city.  

Would you like to hear a song? Quam pulcra es et quam decora-


Graham: Tell the story of how we died.


Gilbert : It was a cold and soggy night. 


Graham: winter. 


Gilbert : It was just hitting 7pm


Graham: moon out


Gilbert : We were skiving off practice. 


Graham: His idea.


Gilbert : His idea. We were sneaking round the side of chapel. 


Graham: Choir master John with massive sweat patches, conducting Veni Sancte Spiritus. 


Gilbert : We thought it would be fun to spook everyone. 


Graham: His idea.


Gilbert : His idea. We decide we’ll jump through the window. Give old John just a tiny little fright.


Graham: How were we meant to know his heart was on its last legs? 


Gilbert : He still had some pretty quick reflexes. 


Graham: Quick and violent


Gilbert : Holding that big book 


Graham: Got some strong swings in before he popped it   


Gilbert : Hit me clean over the head 


Graham: Back into the window


Gilbert : Broke the glass 


Graham: Goes for us again


Gilbert : Murders us.


Graham: Then has a heart attack.


Gilbert : Best. prank. ever.


Graham: So now we hang out in this garden outside chapel.


Gilbert : We even have that little sign up about us. ‘In memory of those who found their last resting place in this church’


Graham: We’re famous.


Gilbert : Sometimes if we sing loud enough the fleshies get a little spook. 

Never ever gets old.


Graham: Neither do we. 


Gilbert : Morbid. 


Graham: Anyway we know Mary sent you. Typical.


Gilbert : We’re not going to that stupid party. All the old ghosts are so crusty and boring. ESPECIALLY Mary. 


Graham: Yeah ESPECIALLY Mary. Popping up ALL THE TIME to check on us. 


Gilbert : It’s like, OK. We’re 350 years old. 


Graham: We’re already dead. 


Gilbert : We don’t need looking after.


Graham: She was quite cross with us at the incident. Basically, what happened was -


John: Boys! Time for rehearsal. 


Gilbert: ah great


Graham: it’s choirmaster john


Gilbert: unbelievable he had to die at the same time


John: BOYS!!


Graham: Ah crap. Gotta go. See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya.


Gilbert : Why don’t you talk to Petunia. She’ll tell you what happened. Head over to the gated gardens. I’ll whack it on your map. 



The Weavers’ Gated Garden



little human

over hereeee, behind this gate.



Yes my garden is brimming with flowers and there’s nothing you can do about it.
i’d bet all my clothes on the fact i have more flowers than you but i’m not wearing any clothes
no clothes no skin no skeleton, just a fully nude soul!

Once, long ago, my garden was full of tulips.
Their gorgeous bulbs rearing their special little heads all over the place.
My late husband, the head of the weavers’ guild, Sir Jeremy Throgmorton the fifth, he wasn’t the biggest fan of my tulips.


He wanted more variety in the garden, bless his soul, but i only wanted tulips, so, I filled the garden with tulips, and we argued passionately til he was blue in the face, and you know what they say, never go to sleep on an argument, well Jeremy went to sleep in a rage and simply never awoke!

Oh my dear Jeremy-bear, so cold on the bed in the morning I buried him here underneath the tulips, and that was that.

Cried for six months, non-stop. I stopped eating. I spent all day in the garden.
It was tragic
Tragic tragic tragic

And then one morning somewhere into the seventh month i thought
oh fudge it all
no point me going hungry when i’ve got this big old tulip salad in my garden

munched through the lot of them
I didn’t know this at the time, but tulips are deadly poisonous.
So it’s not the best idea to eat an entire garden’s worth of tulips


She huffs. Then there’s a thundercrack

Oh heavens, another storm. Mary must be upset again.
god it was awful last time.
A few weeks back, we were getting ready for our bi-weekly therapy group,
And Ty was late, Ty’s always late -
and Mary got so cross, face bright like a poppy
she was shouting, you know, “I’m trying to take care of you all!”
and we were… well she can get a bit draining sometimes and we all said more or less the same thing which was “well, maybe you don’t need to take care of us”
and Mary said, “ well that’s my purpose”
And there was this awful long silence.
And Ty said “what if it isn’t your purpose. what if we can manage without you… maybe you should go.” 

and that… well that sent Mary off like a gorgeous little firework. Thunder, lightning, the lot.

She cancelled our whole programme of events

And no-one’s spoken to her since.


I’ll be here if you need me. Stay safe little peasant.





Throgmorton Avenue


Hello? Just checking… has anyone… 

No-one? No-one at all?

What’s the point. Seriously. WHAT’S THE POINT. Look. Just- come back. You might as well come back. We’ll have the party on our own. 





it’s all ready and waiting back there. I put out the bunting and the cakes, and chairs and the candles and...


No-one’s come. 


All I’m trying to do is bring everyone together. All I’m trying to do is - is make everything alright again and - what - are they really just not going to talk to me anymore? You know it hurts a lot to be told you’re not needed. 


I was the first. The very first. Before the Romans marched in, before the Saxons or the French or the wars or the guilds or the banks there was me.  


When they came I was there for them. With a smile and attention. I brought them together. I found them things to do. I talked to them. I listened. Even when they were TOTALLY FLIPPING BIZARRE. EVEN WHEN THEY DIED EATING FLOWERS I was the person they came to. I was the person that made everything better. 


All that time. All that time. I wish I could just... pick it all up and squeeze it down into a year, into a month, into a minute and eat it. Because clearly all the kindness. The conversations. The attention paid. It doesn't mean a thing.


Turn left here and cross at the lights. We’ll walk back past the park.




 Oh listen to that. Typical. Ty playing her music. It’s just noise. Noise.




And the Monk was just standing and pondering, I bet. No-one knows why we’re here. As if that idiot thinks he’ll work it out. He can’t even open a book! His hands go right through it!


Oh yeah. And our friend the FIlmmaker. She wishes she’d finished her movie. Boo hoo. Not everyone gets what they want. Not everyone gets the best version of their life. 


I suppose you asked Arabella too. Rather fixate on that tree than form a real relationship with anyone.

And, let me guess, Phillipus marched you up and down the road instead of having a real conversation. 


Cone Ghost? Cone Ghost? Hello!? Even flipping Cone Ghost is ignoring me. Come on. Let’s get back.


Barry - Barry? Are you there? Hm. Where’s he gone? He’s always been stuck up there. 


The Party


Mary: Here we are. My party.


Do you like what I’ve done with it? I suppose you can’t see. But it… it does look nice. I won’t describe it. It’s better if you just imagine. 


After we all had our fight… I flew up to the top of the offices. Sat on the roof and looked at it all. 


I thought about the past. All laid out in front of me. The streets. The side-roads. The bricks and the pavement. Weaving themselves together into great big shoelaces of history.


Oh, and the dead people. All the dead people. Layering up on themselves like cake. 


I know it’s not my purpose to look after everyone. 


But who am I if I’m not helping? How can I go when to go feels like abandonment. 


So I decided I’d have a party. I’d have everyone along. I’d make sure everything was in order. And then, without a fuss, I’d go.


And to have a human at the party. Quite a coup! I thought it might put everyone on their best behaviour. Make sure it didn’t descend into another argument. Make sure everything was nice.


I thought we had one last gathering in us, but we don’t, do we?


Maybe that’s just how it is. 


Maybe you get forgotten before you get to go.


(A long pause.)


All the Ghosts: SURPRISE!!!


Mary: What? Sorry. What!?


The Seer: Oh come on, you didn’t think we weren’t coming?


Mary: I - I -


Barry: Mary! Look! I managed to unstick myself! 


Cone Ghost: Cone Ghost Loves Surprises 


Mary: You... you all came.


Monk: It was only logical. 


Arrabella: Oh shut up. It was pure emotion. That human really got us thinking.


Ty: Quite a wake up call to talk to a living breathing human again.


Petunia: And- and - who are we, really, when we’re not together?




Mary: I thought you weren’t coming.

Ty: Yeah well. Mary. I guess meeting this fleshbag…
Reminded us we only feel like ghosts when we’re alone.
So. While your human went round talking to us, I started following behind 

and…well. Asked if they wanted to get in on a surprise.


Mary: Hang on. You did this yourselves?


Ty: And what were we gonna do, let you have a sad party all by yourself with no-one to keep you company but a chunk of flesh?


Mary: Ty - I- I thought you were playing at the bandstand - I-


Ty: Let the girls play without me tonight.
Look Mary. We’re sorry. For, you know, telling you what to do with your afterlife.


Mary: Oh. Look. Don’t worry about that. Let’s - god I’m excited to say this - Let’s get this party started. 


Human. Human. Thank you for coming. Go on. Why don’t you mingle? When you’ve chatted to everyone, I think I’ll give my speech... 



Petunia: Philipus how disastrous to see you 


Phillipus: Petunia 


Petunia: Here I am starkers at this party without a single habillement 

I feel simply wonderful

But you seem distressed 





Petunia: I did
but how wonderful to hear you say it and with such conviction 

Do tell me more Philippus, how I love to talk botanicals 

How I love to talk botanicals nakedly with Roman soldiers


Ty: Oi 


Gilbert: Hi Ty 


Graham: Hi Ty


Gilbert : Don’t copy me 


Graham: I’m not.


Ty: Been thinking I could use some whiny little vocals on my new song 

It’s called Take a dump on the Church Floor  


Graham: We’ll do it 


Gilbert : We’ll do it.


Arabella: So it’s… addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic?

Arabella: like socrates drinking the hemlock


Barry: Britney was speaking for everyone. All of us. 


Arabella: O! GLORY! a fragment has come to me
Would you-
Ah no you don’t want to hear poetry do you. forget i asked.
I’ll save it for the tree...


Barry: no- no, i’d feel honoured


Monk: So strange to see us spirits gathered like this once more. 

What power allows us to linger like this? Gathering and partying, et cetera?


Cone ghost: Ehehehhehe Cone Ghost knows why we’re ghosties 


Monk: I say… cone ghost… what is your wisdom? 


Seer: I wouldn’t get too excited 


Cone Ghost: Because of love.


Seer: Told you, absolute rubbish.


Cone Ghost: No. However hard life was. However sad. We loved living.


Monk: Excuse me a moment. I’m going to write that down.


[Glass tapping.]


Mary: Everyone. Hello. 


Thank you all for coming.



I’ll just say what I’ve got to say won’t I.


Look. I’m sorry. For overdoing it. For being there a little too much. And… I’m sorry I was so angry.


Ty: Oh it’s alright mate. 


Mary: No. No. Because. All of you here. I see it very clearly now.


You don’t need me. I know you don’t.


You’re all brilliant. You’re all terribly frustrating and brilliant and you don’t. 


I needed you. 


Because who am I without you? Who am I when those strings are cut loose? Just a lonely ghost floating in a field. And I didn’t want to go back to that again. I couldn’t. What if I did go, and I got to the other side, and it was just me. Alone again. 


But I was wrong. I was totally wrong. Because the past is always blooming in the present. Like tulips buried four bulbs deep.


And it’s not about needing you to say anything. I don’t need a statue or a eulogy or anything like that. I just needed to see I was a line on the map. 


I know you all have your plans for moving on. Disappearing in puffs of smoke, or wrapping yourselves in a whirlwind of stars but. Whenever I thought about moving on...


I’d just imagine walking. And as I would walk… I’d… very slowly fade away.


Enjoy the cakes, alright? And look after each other.


Thank you human. I think I really needed you because I needed someone here to remind me I’ve done this whole thing once before. 


Right. Right.
Here we go.


One foot after the other.


[Music. Footsteps gradually walking away. 

They very slowly fade.]


Arabella: Goodbye Mary.


Petunia: Would anyone care for some music? I thought perhaps we could have a little dance.


Phillipus: I should be very pleased to dance with you all!


Seer: Yeah go on then


Monk: Hmmm I suppose I could pause my thoughts for a minute


Barry: You got any Britney?

Ty: No way mate. We’ve got something that’s gonna blow your mind. Ready boys?


Ty One! Two! One two three four!

(a guitar riff)

Raise your glass to the living
Raise your glass to the dead
Party hard
Don’t stop now
Live it large
‘Til the end










STARRING (in order of appearance)













bottom of page